September of 2015
The weather was a typical California “fall” that September. We were tiny living in our fifth wheel as a family of three with our firstborn and our dog, Gracie. It wasn’t too hot that month, we were still longingly awaiting the cooler weather. Our long pants were still neatly tucked away in storage, waiting for the seasons to change. We prayerfully decided our two year old would make a really great big brother. My husband and I felt ready to grow our family by another sweet baby. It wasn’t hard to become pregnant the first go-around. I was certain it wouldn’t happen again on the first try. Miscarriage and pregnancy loss were the last things on our minds.
Well, as usual, God had different plans than I did. Within weeks, there I was…anxiously waiting the longest three minutes of my life for two pink lines to slowly appear on a dollar store test. Did it really happen that easily, again? Another test confirmed, pregnant.
I took that test very early in my pregnancy, according to my most recent cycle. I had to be 4-5 weeks along, symptoms from rising HCG barely at their beginning stages. My first pregnancy had gone well without complications out of the ordinary. The memories of the same moment with our first pregnancy flashed in my mind.
Soon after the joy of learning there was another precious life growing inside of me, a feeling like a dark cloud began to follow me around. I remember sharing with a handful of people that I was pregnant. Each time I would share, I would attach, “But, it’s really early.” Was I saying that because I knew others who had experienced loss? Miscarriage or pregnancy loss are not things that I had ever personally experienced. The sense that something was off wouldn’t leave me. I was afraid. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but this overwhelming sense of worry was hovering in my mind.
It was a Saturday night when the feeling completely overcame me, this sinking feeling deep inside of me. I was roughly six weeks along by now. I remember saying to my husband, “Something isn’t right,” and I cried in his arms that night. The next day, the start of bleeding would begin. The pink lines would begin to fade on additional tests (signaling the HCG was lessening in my body). I knew for certain that day that I was experiencing a miscarriage or pregnancy loss and miscarrying our baby…
September of 2020
It’s been five years since we experienced our pregnancy loss. While the many tears I cried eventually stopped flowing and I experienced God’s gracious healing with the birth of our rainbow baby the following September, it was difficult to let go of why that happened to me. It can be so frustrating to not understand exactly why God allows these things to happen. I have always said I’m so thankful it was so early. But, the emotional pain was still like nothing I’ve ever felt before.
August of 2018
Fast-forward a few years to late summer when we moved from California to Texas. Over the course of those three years, I never went searching for reasons why we miscarried. Little did I know, the answers somehow found me anyways. I began seeing a new dentist in our new state. I was in the middle of the process of removing my (many) amalgam fillings. Amalgams are those metal looking fillings dentists use(d) to fill cavities, which happen to contain a toxin called mercury. Somewhere along my journey to holistic, natural living, I had come across research that supported the decision to have those removed. For health reasons, I decided I would be better off having them all replaced, reducing the risk of the toxins in my body. However, it never crossed my mind whether those risks involved miscarriage or pregnancy loss.
Spring of 2015
We were still living in California when I got the first half of them removed. The dentist I was seeing at the time wasn’t anything outside of the normal realm of typical dentists. He happened to not take any precautions when removing and replacing the amalgam fillings. I didn’t know any better to advocate for anything different (I doubt he did, either).
October of 2018
So, I sought out this new to me, holistic dentist in Texas. Dr. Teresa Scott made it a priority to promptly remove the remaining amalgams and replace with porcelain like the rest. She was firm that this was of importance before doing any of the rest of the dental work I needed. Taking major precautions to not only protect me during the removal process, but herself and her staff as well she replaced the fillings. (Through this process, I learned there is a legitimate and significant risk of exposing the toxins into the air from the amalgams during this process.) After this was completed, she heavily advised me to detox with something like TRS. The next thing she said is where the wheels in my brain started rolling…she finished her recommendations with, “One more thing…do not get pregnant for a minimum of 6 months from now.”
My heart felt like it had jumped to my throat. Why was she recommending that so strongly? What could happen if I got pregnant after this? When did I miscarry….when did I get my other amalgams removed….was there a connection? My heart sank back down to my the bottom of my stomach. I looked back to when I had the first amalgams removed (remember, with no precautions, no detoxing, nothing). Sure enough, it was within 6 months of getting pregnant that I miscarried what would have been our second baby.
September of 2020
The healing I experienced through the gift of our second-born baby, despite just how hard it was to not live in fear throughout the course of his pregnancy, was complete and full of love. The healing I experienced after having highly probable answers to why I experienced pregnancy loss, was moving. It has now been five years since we experienced the devastation of loss. Four years ago we had our rainbow baby. Two years ago I realized what could have caused our loss.
I share this story in full for the first time, in hopes that it will touch someone else’s pain with a glimpse of hope. In hopes that it will cause less pain by providing the awareness. There are risks we face each and every day with the decisions we make. Our care providers don’t know what they don’t know. None of us know what we don’t know. That is something I’m learning more and more through my walk with Christ. It very much so fits these circumstances I find myself having faced. It allows me to have offer grace up to others.
I still keep those positive pregnancy tests tucked away in a drawer. With those tests are other tangible memories of the life that didn’t remain viable inside of my womb. One of those tangible memories is a card from a sweet friend and sister in Christ who walked me through that difficult season. Having a friend who has been in the shoes you’re currently walking in is a blessing from the caring Father above. I am grateful to this day for the love she showed me. I haven’t been able to bring myself to read that card again since the day she gave it to me.
Miscarriage and pregnancy loss is not an easy topic to write about, to read about, or to think about. If you find yourself wondering what could have caused your loss, I want to be clear that those answers might not ever come full circle this side of heaven. It’s possible you have a story like mine. If you do and feel compelled to share, I’d love to hear your heart. Feel free to email me, or comment below if you feel safe to do so.
To the mamas that have felt the pain of loving a child you never got to hold, you’re not alone. You’re never, ever alone. There’s hope, and grace…for me, and for you.
A Note
I realize there is a common “courtesy” of providing a trigger warning at the start of a text that could potentially elicit uncomfortable feelings in others. I want to be clear that I do not believe this is the best way to counter those triggered emotions. Real life does not come with trigger warnings, and my miscarriage and pregnancy loss experience certainly wasn’t an exception to that. It is my opinion that the more loving thing to do than provide a trigger waring, is to instead weep with those who weep. We can’t walk with one another in our pain if it’s not shared. So here you will find me, heart on my sleeve sharing with you. Will you share with me, too?
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